Faint…

40 days clean and sober…lots of reading and posting and replying…. Read this the other day and it so resonated. 

“Her departure was a gradual thing, like a watercolor left in the sun, every day fainter until one day the canvas was bare and you had to rely on memory to recapture the image.”
 I feel that way…is it the booze that took me from being “me”? Is it life or getting older that did it? Being Mom and wife and so many other roles that we play that made me lose focus on taking care of me… The booze was just another symptom of a lifetime of putting myself last…

Maybe that is why I’ve struggle so much with continued sobriety?

Things that make you go hmm….

Advertisements

3 weeks

Today is day 21…. Three weeks so far…. Ended up going to a going away party last night…. What a boozefest that turned into…. I am pretty sure other than the kids i was the only sober adult…. While I managed to get through the dinner fine, I had a terrible dream where while sober even in the dream, I was dealing with drink folks all night long in my dream…..guess it was more stressful than I thought….

Today has.been low-key. Cleaning, reading, and just overall relaxing to offset last night. Moving on!

Ruminations

Today is day 17 AGAIN…..it was a busy and sober weekend. Saturday we had a concert to attend and it was night and day compared to the one I went to two weeks ago while drinking….. i remember all the songs, enjoyed the show, looked around at all the boozing and didn’t miss it….not bad…. and the positive was i woke up the next morning thinking what a great concert it was and not with a load of regret for all the things i did_said while drinking …. it’s nice to feel like I’m in control and not the other way around…..

With that said….I sometimes am jealous at how fluid other bloggers can be in their writing…. mine just tends to be short and succinct…. I’m either feeling good or bad, definitely not a creative writing bone in my brain…heck that’s part of why booze can get it’s hands in there as I’ve always had an issue identifying what specific emotion I’m feeling at any given time… sometimes i eat just to eat and drink just to drink…not really but it feels that way when i am always trying to identify what got me fired up in the first place….oh well

On to day 18…

Relapsed….

Today is day 4 sober after going off the rails a week before the 100 day mark…. I wrote this to myself to remind myself why I can’t keep going on this way…

Remember how you felt when you realized you physically assaulted your husband?

This is why you don’t drink….

Remember how you felt when you realized you drove your car obviously wasted, enough that you couldn’t remember where you parked it or where you went??? You’re lucky you didn’t kill yourself or others…

This is why you don’t drink….

Remember how you felt when you realized you were the one creating a big scene in front of hundreds and didn’t care….

This is why you don’t drink….

Remember how you felt after you screamed and showed your ass in front of all your kids while drunk?

This is why you don’t drink….

Remember stepping into oncoming traffic to stop it, you could be dead or injured….

This is why you don’t drink….

Remember waking up after aspirating on your own bile after drinking too much??? You could be dead…

This is why you don’t drink….

Remember the numerous times you heard your daughter plea for you to quit drinking but you kept right on….

This is why you don’t drink….

Remember passing out in front of your kids while you were supposed to be taking care of them and your father in law came and picked you up off the floor and made sure you were alive and you remember NONE of this….

This is why you don’t drink….

Remember when a blackout scared you and then it just became normal….

This is why you don’t drink….

Remember years of waking up at 3a wondering who you called, who you made made, what you did or said, which one of your family you embarrassed….

This is why you don’t drink….

You don’t drink because you can’t continue to exist like this… life is life but life sober is still life and the life above isn’t living at all…. forgive yourself and move forward, one day/hour/minute at a time.

Big Goals…

Almost at 90 days…. I know I’ve been quiet but still rocking along….had a rocky couple of days around the 80 day mark but pushed on through it…..lots of podcasts, sober blogs, emails and whining later and I came out the other side…. Ready for triple digits….seems so monumental, for me anyway!!!! Longest stretch of sobriety in well over a decade.

Day 69

It’s verbal vomit day…. I did remain sober over the weekend but it was hard, not the sober part but the weekend part. I don’t know if it’s what I see as senseless suicides in the headline but I was just in a funk over the weekend. Top it off I had an issue sleeping all weekend… I hurt my back and had a few days worth of painkillers and it’s amazing how they make your brain funky. I’m off of them and thinking they probably need to stay over there with alcohol because my body definitely seem to want more of them than it needs and I’m sure that’s part of what played into the sleeping issue…

let me preface this by saying I am in no way suicidal but here’s the but, I can see why deep in the night people think that life can’t get any better, or that life is hard and not I don’t know worth living or maybe why that thought can take root. Not really quite sure what I’m trying to say this morning, probably just a little bit of my verbal vomit. I debated even writing this but part of me getting healthy this go around and sticking with it has been being honest with myself and with others so I thought I should throw it out there..

Slept really good last night and I woke up really good today so I’m fine, and I understood that this too would pass but in the moment, my tiny moment, I can feel or only imagine or maybe empathize with people when they feel like life is just hard. Never enough to make me think that it’s not worth living and I hate that people actually get to that point… I think what I kept focusing on all weekend was that people were talking about Bourdain’s suicide & how he used to be a heroin addict and was now clean but I noticed he always had booze in his hand… I know how that can impact your brain and how it can impact your depression and I think that helped me this weekend by saying that’s why you will never pick it back up….

well now I’ve got all that heaviness off my brain, I’m off to have a good week… thank you as always for listening

2 Months!!

Awesome victory for me…. Two months!! Heading toward my next goal, 100 days. Have the occasional random craving BUT I’m able to use my tools to get it to go away….other than that everything is good.  

I was trying to think how much I’ve saved myself from drinking in the past two months, came up with 90 bottles….Yikes!!! This wine holder could hold my 60 day consumption…. SO glad I’m not going there….that’s a whole LOT of boozing!!!

Day 53

I love this article…it so resonated with me…. I can see myself in so much of this….

Avoiding the Fuck It Bucket

Good brief points:

  • on getting sober – it can be “full of self-doubt anguish and depression” BUT this article helps you “navigate the road with eyes wide open so when the fuck-it bucket appears to be the only way forward” … you get “an alternative perspective to draw on.”
  •  on the side effects – cravings, lack of sleep, bad skin, edginess…. All normal… “If you can ride this out (which may take many months) you’ll start to feel clearer, more energetic, full of optimism and zest for life.”
  •  on sugar – ESSENTIAL
  •  on early milestones – tricky stuff…. A couple of months in and my brain had days where it thought, maybe I wasn’t that bad
  •  on pink clouds – they evaporate . Sadness arrives….totally normal… ” You may have to look back to examine your past to make a better tomorrow. “
  •  on life – “Shit Happens… Bad days, arguments, loss, illness, death…. Drinking won’t help”
  • on living – life goes on…   we make it work and deal with emotions we tried to drown

Pass the peas

I was doing my daily homework and reading my sober blogs today and caught Jen @ Without Wine mentioning she was celebrating her sobriety’s(her baby) 20 week gestation period…via Day 140: twenty weeks

I loved this analogy so much I’m sharing it! I’m officially a pea today and I frigging love peas…. 

It’s been 6 weeks sober for me today…what is that? 42 days, 1008 hours, 60480 minutes, 3,628,800 seconds….you get the drift….

Peas!!!!!!

Ruminations

—glad I’m sober, 42 days and each feels like a hard-earned gift

—drinking filled a lot of time…still have lots of extra time and haven’t quite figured out how to fill it or to find the motivation too

—sleep still sucks….not settling in at all there… Having to work on figuring out ways to curb caffeine intake to see if that helps which stinks since coke zero and coffee have become my go to drinks….I’m lucky if I get a decent night once or twice a week

— I feel better telling people this go round that I’m not drinking….just trying to get it out there and not make it a secret….no needless worrying about what people think this go round

—Sober universe continues to grow the longer I’m in it…. Who knew so many of us were trying to quit???

—that “drink now” voice never goes away and pops up when you least expect it…Damn it! Continue to add sober tools to my toolbox to combat it

—ready for two months and beyond….trying to get as far for day one as possible